I saw him the other day... It was so strange, my heart started to race, I blushed like a giggling teenager, and I knew that if we talked just for a second more, my brain and mouth would loose all coordination and I'd start speaking some stupid nonsense.
That's the effect of ex-boyfriends who are also ex-best friends... It's not that I still find him attractive or anything. Nothing as such. I just love him, with a kind of love that doesn't distinguish between sexes, it's the kind that you would feel for your sibling, or maybe even your own child. Not that I played mother, ever. I'd hate that. We were both children, with childish expectations from life and each other. Maybe I more so than him. I thought I was madly in love then, now I think I only needed to fall in love, and he was the most available person because of being my best friend, you know. More than that, it was impossible, doomed from the beginning, and I'm pretty sure that made it more desirable. He had almost written STAY AWAY on him, he was so not for me for a relationship (and I was not for him, either, so no one's fault in particular).
Well, at that time I also didn't know that I was totally incapable of blindly loving someone like in stories or movies (not that I would want to right now, but as I said, we were children). I am too much of a scientist for that. Too logical, except when I am not of course.
Never mind, all that is too long a story and doesn't matter anyway. What matters now is that I saw him. I ran to him, called his name, then even kept a meaningful conversation for a whole five minutes! After so many years! More than that, I even gave him my phone number and asked him to meet me sometime!
Now I look at my phone every other hour, wondering if he'll call. Or if I gave the right number, of if he used that napkin forgetting my number was on it, or if... I don't know what I can say to him after all those years. I think the same as always:
That there will be always someone, maybe far far away, but as close as a phone call, who thinks about him occasionally, who cares a whole lot about him, who still loves him very much without any apparent reason and will continue to do so no matter what, and who wishes with all her heart that he is happy and well. All the rest, doesn't matter anyway.
But... yeah... I do sometimes wonder if... if he ever, even it is in his loneliest moments, ever, even just for the fraction of a second, ever, thinks about me...
