Stories and dreams

I'm losing the grip on reality. It's an eery feeling that I can't shake off. I constantly read about other worlds, placing myself into those magical stories. I'm wearing them like a second skin around me, dreaming, wishing so hard as to bend the walls of everyday existence. Escaping any company, any distraction, confined in my body but not imprisoned by its limits, I weave a net of insanity with my thoughts. I start to understand why I never wanted to be alone. Eventhough I loathed invasions on my privacy, I'd do nothing to prevent them. Now I see why. I see why I chose the life I'm living now, the men I'm with, my destiny. Because I can't escape the power of my imagination by myself. I need iron restraints to keep my feet on the ground. The soothing pressure of a strong arm around my waist, the intellectual challenge of doing research, the fear of being ridiculed by the ones I hold dear. Without all those, I slip into a self inflicted scizophrenia. Because life is never as interesting as what the mind is capable of producing. And passion, almost materialized by unsatisfied desires, pushes me to the edge. One more month, and I'd be lost forever...
Well, I only have one more week, to be in this state. Then I'll be back to the city again, to the crowds, friends and family, and I'll behave. My mind will be too busy reading the minds of others, planing my steps, avoiding confrontations, enjoying conversations. And when I'm back to my little house, the dreams will be gone.
What if I had a chance? What if I didn't fear about anyone missing me, anyone being upset, and let go of reality? What if I could slip into a coma, doing nothing but sleeping, dreaming? Well, it would be easy, no? In dreams everything turns out just right, in our thoughts we are the most beautiful, the most desired, the most succesful. It's a lot easier than to work for it. One might as well work for a whole lifetime, achieving nothing but a flimsy wreath of flowers at the funeral. Youth is temporary, so is strength and fulfillment. One you lose, and there is no going back, the others come and go as they please. I'm not strong. My will is weak, resisting temptations is not an art that I could master. And then there is him. All my speeches of emancipation are worthless. I miss him, not just the way one misses a lover, I miss him as I miss firm ground beneath my feet. The only thing that binds me to mundane truth, against the seduction of living in a limbo of suspended life, comatose, in my dreams. That's why I love him, among other things, while I am incapable of loving anything/anyone else.
I wonder what his reasons are though...

Dear Diary,

Seems like I just hit that age where everyone around me seems to be getting married. 4 new weddings just this month, all people of my age, or younger. And twice as many in the previous months. Weird. Or maybe not. I don't know.
I'm really glad that my choice of lifestyle kind of protects me from hearing the question too many times. I know that people look at me and think, 'when?'. Well, that's only to be expected, especially since I'm with the same guy for 8 years. None of the people getting married have been together for so long. The only thing that stops people from actually asking the question is that I'm not around long enough for them to ask it. Oh, and also, that I still count as a student. Even though it's my job now, and I'm getting paid for it, I'm still a student. That helps, really. People stop and think, well, maybe once she graduates... Not that I care what they think though, but I tend to get irritated when people expect me to answer them about something so profoundly personal.
'When?' Or rather 'if?'.
I can't say I don't have my doubts. The question is there, unspoken, but the answer is taken for granted. Because, you know, that's what you do. You marry the man you love. There is certainly no doubt about my love. It's not a fairy tale sort, nothing like a movie or a song. It's a fact, solid as a rock. But... One doesn't get married to the person, no? It's the whole package. It's a package that supposed to make you change, it supposed to make you more responsible. You have to think about everything you do, you have to seek approval of a multitude of people that you didn't even felt their existence before. Especially, if that's how your significant other expects you to act.
This is getting too personal. I just wanted to write my general thoughts about the subject but I'm returning to the same point again and again. If I would, for a moment, believe such a thing as soul, I'd say mine is just an untamed beast. Even the sight of a possible confinement sends me running to the hills. I don't even like when people try to give me advice, on anything. My most valued possession is my freedom, I can only sacrifice a small amount for the sake of the man I value above all, and I'm not really very successful in that. Not that I don't want to, I just can't. So what if I'm forced to consider not just his feelings, but a bunch of other people's, too? Other people that frankly, for the most part I don't give a damn about, may be from my side or his. I don't give a damn about no one, I guess, when it comes to my place in life. Even the ones dearest to me get horrified by my crude reactions when they insist on expressing their opinions about my choices. Either that, or I simply don't listen, doing the mental equivalent of covering my ears and singing loudly. And next time I make sure that I avoid the subject. Maybe that's a bad thing in itself. But everyone knows, I take full responsibility for my actions, I gladly admit that if things go wrong, it's my own fucking fault. Well, likewise, if things turn out right, I'm happy to accept the praise. And I really like it that way.
Back to our subject. Do I need to make the effort? Do I need to consider a change? Do I owe him that much? Or is it fair to expect him to accept me the way I am. Not that I was any different anytime. Will I always feel the same way about things? Huh, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Here I sit, alone, in front of my computer, thinking about men that crossed my life at some point. I don't regret many of the things I have done, except for a couple of times that I allowed myself to sink a bit too low, and made it possible for others to hurt me. It's OK if someone I care a lot ends up hurting me, that's mostly an unavoidable fact of life. But if someone I see just as random play manages to do that, that means I'm doing something wrong. Well, it's always like that actually. It's always one's own fault, whatever happens. The other people involved can be the greatest assholes ever, still it's one's own fault, at the very least, because of putting up with those assholes. I didn't have those kind of people cross my path, really, so I was lucky. But sometimes, one can turn perfectly decent people into jerks just by expecting too much of them. That means, if he paralyzes you with his beauty, but there is nothing else about him that would attract you if he wasn't Adonis himself in flesh and blood, well, you can't fucking expect him to feel any different about you, either. Why would he fall in love with you, or even like you? More importantly, why does it hurt you to see that already ridiculous expectation isn't fulfilled? You didn't care about him anyways, did you?
Funny, isn't it? That's how we all are. We all want to be invaluable, irresistible, irreplaceable, even for those who are none of the said for us. But, if we somehow end up being in that position, and if that person gives us an open check about his feelings, we suddenly realize that it's not what we want anymore, we are no longer interested, and try to get away as soon as we can. Because, no one actually likes a doormat as a lover, really. Not getting to have them, or at least the possibility of losing them makes others truly attractive for us. Same goes even for long term relationships. If we believe that our significant other will be there no matter what we do, we start trying to see how far we can go. Sometimes that means as far as to not being able to find the way back... or also, not wanting to come back...
But well, beauty and desire are funny things. One can be as smart or experienced as it gets, the effects of beauty are still not negligible. Desire is capable of transforming the most civilized people into savants in an instant.
What I was thinking about? I was thinking about the men who crossed my path. Very few of them managed to have a place in my heart, really, but almost all of them managed to hurt me somehow. I am usually one that comes into people's lives, all of a sudden, stays there for a while and disappears again without leaving a trace. I could never be one of those people who shatter souls and leave such deep marks that people never manage to forget. I don't think I hurt anyone, ever. Maybe that's why no one ever thought I was irreplaceable. A sweet memory, maybe, remembered with a smile even, but never a hole that aches from time to time. You know, even he didn't call me... And I finally decided to let go of that old promise I made when I was young and foolish. I don't think he remembers at all.
That's enough of rambling for now... Maybe some more follows, maybe not, I don't know.

...

-Do you know what love is?
-No. I just hear people keep talking about it all the time. It must be the strangest thing, because everyone says something else.
-It is, well, if you see someone, and you feel all weird, like you blush and forget what you were about to say...
-I don't think Mrs. Wedma blushes when she sees Mr. Wedma though. And she always talks a lot, too. Yet people say they are still in love. And, you know, I feel like that a lot, especially if one of those people from the south show up. You know, the ones with honey-colored eyes?
-You do?
-Eh, they are beautiful people, no? And they talk so soft, looking one in the eye. I feel like I'm someone important when they talk to me. And they don't walk, they almost glide...
-Don't be stupid! Of course they walk. Besides, you can't be in love with so many people. There must be hundreds of them!
-I know, that's what I'm saying. Love must be something else then.
-What about, someone wants to do something, and you don't want to, but you want to do something together, so you do it anyways, and...
-That is what friends do.
-Yes, friends can love each other, too.
-No, it should be something special. You said it, you can't be in love with many people. It is one-person-only I think.
-That's funny. One person, then it must be the most special person in your life. Most important.
-Heh heh, Aina always says that I'm the most important thing in her life!
-That's because Aina is your mom, silly.
-No, she is not. She just found me in the bushes. I'm an overgrown blueberry!
-...which can talk.
-No, I don't. It's all in your head.
-We were talking about love.
-I'm bored. It's not worth talking anyway. Red says that you feel it or you don't. Well, I don't.
-How do you know that you don't, if you don't know what it is?
-Do you want to go swimming?
-No, but I'll come with you if you want to.
-A ha, that's not funny.
-We are friends, no?
-Well... yes... I don't want to swim now. I'll go home. Bye!
-Wait! Ta'ra! I was joking!

drowning in fresh air

Surrounded by memories... Things that I could never be, have, or even imagine... No, I can imagine anything. I can be as crazy as him, in my dreams. As free as one can ever be... Sometimes I wish my life was different. I chose safety, I chose a calm happiness, without complications. But my darkest side looks for a way out, constantly. In moments like this, I find myself thinking about the past, all the alternative ways I could have walked, all the possible moves, now under the sand and dust of a million choices, like a million years. Do I regret anything? Hardly. I don't regret having this beautiful guy who resembles my father a little too much by my side and I don't regret being this much of a scientist with zero tolerance towards superstition. But I do miss the crazy stuff, or being free to do whatever shit that crosses my mind without ever having to think about the consequences. I have too much to lose now... (to be continued)

What happens if you see an...

I saw him the other day... It was so strange, my heart started to race, I blushed like a giggling teenager, and I knew that if we talked just for a second more, my brain and mouth would loose all coordination and I'd start speaking some stupid nonsense.
That's the effect of ex-boyfriends who are also ex-best friends... It's not that I still find him attractive or anything. Nothing as such. I just love him, with a kind of love that doesn't distinguish between sexes, it's the kind that you would feel for your sibling, or maybe even your own child. Not that I played mother, ever. I'd hate that. We were both children, with childish expectations from life and each other. Maybe I more so than him. I thought I was madly in love then, now I think I only needed to fall in love, and he was the most available person because of being my best friend, you know. More than that, it was impossible, doomed from the beginning, and I'm pretty sure that made it more desirable. He had almost written STAY AWAY on him, he was so not for me for a relationship (and I was not for him, either, so no one's fault in particular).
Well, at that time I also didn't know that I was totally incapable of blindly loving someone like in stories or movies (not that I would want to right now, but as I said, we were children). I am too much of a scientist for that. Too logical, except when I am not of course.
Never mind, all that is too long a story and doesn't matter anyway. What matters now is that I saw him. I ran to him, called his name, then even kept a meaningful conversation for a whole five minutes! After so many years! More than that, I even gave him my phone number and asked him to meet me sometime!
Now I look at my phone every other hour, wondering if he'll call. Or if I gave the right number, of if he used that napkin forgetting my number was on it, or if... I don't know what I can say to him after all those years. I think the same as always:
That there will be always someone, maybe far far away, but as close as a phone call, who thinks about him occasionally, who cares a whole lot about him, who still loves him very much without any apparent reason and will continue to do so no matter what, and who wishes with all her heart that he is happy and well. All the rest, doesn't matter anyway.

But... yeah... I do sometimes wonder if... if he ever, even it is in his loneliest moments, ever, even just for the fraction of a second, ever, thinks about me...

Comments on internet

Taken from the comments section of the "Crazy Screechy Monkeys..." thread of Whatever, written by Andrew L:

"... a quote from J. Michael Straczynski, the creator of Babylon 5, who made a truly impressive (and successful) effort to keep an online conversation going with his fans for all the years the show was on the air. From August 8, 1996:

The good thing about the nets is that it's the great social equalizer. The bad thing about the nets is that it's the great social equalizer. Anyone with a modem has equal access, equal say. Which is terrific. We can be tall, short, fat, skinny, old, young...what matters is the quality of the thoughts and the clarity of their expression.

The flip side of this...if someone came toward you with a bright orange fright wig, dead cats strapped to his chest and a live parrot up his ass, you'd have sufficient warning that this may be a Loony, and thus avoid the person. On the nets, you don't get that kind of advance warning. There are some loonies here. They get the same access as everyone else, they can get on because they bought a modem, but they live for the singular purpose of making your life a living hell, because you have created something, they have created nothing, and they can only live with that contradiction if they tear you down. Some of them are literally psychologically disturbed, and potentially dangerous. And you won't have any notion who they are until one day, after exchanging private or public mail, the dog satellite goes by overhead and they turn on you viciously, start spreading rumors, attacking you in public...and you realize that yep, this person has a parrot up his ass."

Requiem for an old friend

I don't know what happened to you. You had your dreams, you had your wits, and you had your anger. Now you're just bitter, with a twisted or no sense of humor. You keep repeating the same old lines ever and ever, but even you don't believe them yourself. 'This and that needs to be done', and 'there's no time', 'this is the only way', etc...
You know what I think of you? You are a fucking whiner, trying to find excuses for every damn mistake, trying to convince people like it's nothing but fate, but it's you actually. How did you become so clueless, so afraid of criticism, so self-righteous; such an asshole? How did you lose all your dreams, and when did you start pretending as if they were never there? Where is that guy with whom I use to talk about choices? About the potential we all have, about breaking one's chains, about knowing oneself...
I can see you are alone, I can see you are bored out of your skull but yo do nothing against. There is nothing you are proud of any more, nothing you can talk about and be listened, so you cheat. You make degrading jokes, some people laugh. Others don't and even if they do, they are laughing at you and how pathetic you are.
Do you realize how fewer and fewer people hang around you? How some started to avoid you like the pest, without any apparent reason, not to you at least? How I don't invite you anywhere anymore?
You brag about your achievements, but you know that we all are better than you now. And you had such talent! You always thought success didn't came just because you didn't work hard enough, but then you started to do nothing but work and everything went downwards. With every little disappointment you became more bitter, more frustrated, childish in a terrible sense. Instead of growing up, you got more immature, but without the fun of it...
Well, I still have hopes though. Maybe you open your eyes someday. If not, you'll become tired of all this, all of a sudden, and throw everything away, in the most stupid way possible. Then you'll look in the mirror and see an ugly man with nothing in his hands and very much alone. No, I still have hopes. You are still clever, still young. Before it's too late, please wake up...

THE Web Comic

I already listed a couple of webcomics I like here, but I forgot to mention the one I laugh the most!! How can you NOT laugh at this:















It is is also the one that gives me that warm feeling, you know, occasionally:













And NOW it also gives some explanation about the weird billboards that started appearing around in US :

THE ALGORITHM CONSTANTLY FINDS JESUS
THE ALGORITHM KILLED JEEVES
THE ALGORITHM IS BANNED IN CHINA

Well, no, actually there's no explanation at all, just this:

THE ALGORITHM IS FROM JERSEY

Anyway, it's xkdc people! Go there (click on the three links above) and enjoy! You can thank me later:)

The Dosadi Experiment

The military mentality is a bandit and raider mentality. Thus, all military represents a form of organized banditry where the conventional mores do not prevail. The military is a way of rationalizing murder, rape, looting, and other forms of theft which are always accepted as part of warfare. When denied an outside target, the military mentality always turns against its own civilian population, using identical rationalizations for bandit behavior.

-BuSab Manual, Chapter Five:

"The Warlord Syndrome"