Here I sit, alone, in front of my computer, thinking about men that crossed my life at some point. I don't regret many of the things I have done, except for a couple of times that I allowed myself to sink a bit too low, and made it possible for others to hurt me. It's OK if someone I care a lot ends up hurting me, that's mostly an unavoidable fact of life. But if someone I see just as random play manages to do that, that means I'm doing something wrong. Well, it's always like that actually. It's always one's own fault, whatever happens. The other people involved can be the greatest assholes ever, still it's one's own fault, at the very least, because of putting up with those assholes. I didn't have those kind of people cross my path, really, so I was lucky. But sometimes, one can turn perfectly decent people into jerks just by expecting too much of them. That means, if he paralyzes you with his beauty, but there is nothing else about him that would attract you if he wasn't Adonis himself in flesh and blood, well, you can't fucking expect him to feel any different about you, either. Why would he fall in love with you, or even like you? More importantly, why does it hurt you to see that already ridiculous expectation isn't fulfilled? You didn't care about him anyways, did you?
Funny, isn't it? That's how we all are. We all want to be invaluable, irresistible, irreplaceable, even for those who are none of the said for us. But, if we somehow end up being in that position, and if that person gives us an open check about his feelings, we suddenly realize that it's not what we want anymore, we are no longer interested, and try to get away as soon as we can. Because, no one actually likes a doormat as a lover, really. Not getting to have them, or at least the possibility of losing them makes others truly attractive for us. Same goes even for long term relationships. If we believe that our significant other will be there no matter what we do, we start trying to see how far we can go. Sometimes that means as far as to not being able to find the way back... or also, not wanting to come back...
But well, beauty and desire are funny things. One can be as smart or experienced as it gets, the effects of beauty are still not negligible. Desire is capable of transforming the most civilized people into savants in an instant.
What I was thinking about? I was thinking about the men who crossed my path. Very few of them managed to have a place in my heart, really, but almost all of them managed to hurt me somehow. I am usually one that comes into people's lives, all of a sudden, stays there for a while and disappears again without leaving a trace. I could never be one of those people who shatter souls and leave such deep marks that people never manage to forget. I don't think I hurt anyone, ever. Maybe that's why no one ever thought I was irreplaceable. A sweet memory, maybe, remembered with a smile even, but never a hole that aches from time to time. You know, even he didn't call me... And I finally decided to let go of that old promise I made when I was young and foolish. I don't think he remembers at all.
That's enough of rambling for now... Maybe some more follows, maybe not, I don't know.